I don't feel afraid, that is the merciful wonder! Because God has been there in all my yesterdays and I feel His presence and know His power in today, I have confidence in tomorrow, whatever it may hold. But still I ponder and imagine what will happen if things continue to get worse, specifically with Rachael's health. She is now having blackouts several times a day. Her CT scan shows abnormalities deep in her brain. When she passes out, she can still hear and think - she is completely aware but also completely unable to respond, to open her eyes, move or talk - she is hidden away completely inside herself. I've been pondering what it would be if the damage to her brain continues and she ends up completely locked away from us. How would we encourage her and what would it be like for a person of words, an author, to be locked away completely unable to communicate? She chuckles when she can't come up with words or the end of a sentence, what would it be if she can't respond at all? I know she would continue to be a prayer warrior because that is how she has always used her sicknesses and being set aside, in bed or even nights awake in pain, she has spent those hours in prayer for others. So I have confidence that God's work through her will go on no matter what happens with her health!
On a more positive note, I was thinking last night how God is the creator of everything. He can calm a raging storm, heal a man blind from birth or a cripple. This sickness is no mountain to him - it is easy. He could heal her in an instant and we've begged him for that! She is confident He will heal her at the right moment and I see no striving or worry in her that He won't - just quiet rest that this moment, this way, is His will for her, that His strength is made perfect in her weakness. She chooses rest in Him when her nature would be restless to be busy working on the writing projects she has with approaching deadlines and the discipling and building relationships with her siblings she had hoped to do this winter. But He is the LORD and we worship Him in trust that He is in charge of our moments and days.
I do feel stretched thin. Life is so busy! And medical things take hours and days, while the rest of life continues to march on. School still needs to be done with our four who are students, dishes need to be done, wood stoves to keep stoked, the house cleaned, conversations had with the other adult children in our household, stories to be read and that sweet grandbaby who is at my absolute favorite age (3 months) to love and talk to! I've been neglecting time with my Mom - which hurts - and my correspondence and reading have gone on the back burner. But I feel privileged to have these moments and hours for meaningful conversation and prayer with Rachael. She is a joy to be with and even in the E. R. last week we laughed and joked and shared deeply while we waited for her CT scan.... She had asked me the week after Christmas if I wanted to go out for coffee, but it was cold out and I had lots of projects I wanted to get done while school was out so I declined. When we wound up with those four hours in the E.R. I teased her that next time I'll go to coffee so she doesn't have to get my attention by going into the E.R. But truly, time with her is such a privilege! Conversations in the car, traveling to appointments and waiting for doctors, memorable moments, prayers, and conversations I'll treasure forever!
And so the Redeemer shines! He continues to redeem our souls, to redeem our hours, to turn even our pain into joy! What's to be afraid of with a Lord like that?!